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This is mostly my whining and bitching.
Someday I might put interesting stuff up though...
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Apr. 13th, 2008 @ 01:12 pm (no subject)
Prom absolutely sucked. I wasted money on a dance that ruined my weekend and left me feeling like absolute crap, and am totally disillusioned about the purportedly magical qualities Prom is imbued with. I wish I hadn't gone.
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Oct. 28th, 2007 @ 08:36 pm It's Sunday night...
Current Music: Lifehouse - First Time

And God, I feel so tired. Some of my friends are suppoesed to come over but that's looking a little hopeless at this point. The furniture for the guest room and the living room hhas come in unfortunately, several of the pieces were damaged and had to be sent back.

College is still trying to eat me.
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Oct. 25th, 2007 @ 11:50 am (no subject)
God bless three day weekends because I'm about to throw myself off a bridge for a nauseating combination of boredom and stress. My SAT score came back lower than I wanted it to be and now I'm bummed, plus my friends at school are geniuses with scores that make mine look like a submission to a learning disability center (I know I'm exaggerating slightly, but my score has killed me).

The fiasco with the college apps has left me stressed and freaking out, especially because it's going to cost at least $300 for all the applications put together. None of the fics I've been watching lately have updated; my best friend can't come back home this weekend; my big brother is baby-sitting all weekend; I have the ACT this weekend. The only thing left to console me now are chicken tacos and a trip to Old Navy.

On a positive note, The House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende in turning out to be a fabulous and engrossing read.
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Oct. 10th, 2007 @ 11:55 pm The Light
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: "Find A New Way" - Young Lovers

It surprises me how hopeful life is when it doesn't hurt. I think that things in the current situation will work out. Let's see if tomorrow works out as well as tonight did.
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Oct. 9th, 2007 @ 09:35 pm "Of All Things the Measure Is Man"
Current Mood: drained

I feel like my insides are caving in, the world is drying up and drying out and all I want to do is escape. I can't talk about it, it's a family thing and I'm hurting him and it hurts me to do that and I think it's my pride and maybe it's not and I don't know what to do anymore. I can't think without wanting to cry, but I can't cry because it feels like there's a well inside me and there's not enough in it for tears. I can't cry in front of them. They'd ask "What's wrong?" and I can't tell them because I don't know.

I don't know what's wrong, maybe it's normal teenage angst and maybe it's something wrong in my head, and I don't know. Everything's perfect on the outside. I have nothing to be sad about. I have a great life; no tragedies, nothing to account for how I feel now. But I'm so tired and I want to die sometimes but I can't. There's too much that I can't leave; I'm trapped and I feel like I could sleep for forever, but even in sleep there are dreams. I don't want to dream.

People are so afraid of death that they need heaven or hell or reincarnation, anything that means they get to live on for a little while longer. Why? Maybe it's the intrinsic fear of the unkown or maybe it's the need for survival. I'm not sure. I've never had death touch me, clench around my wrists and drag me away, so I'm not sure ho I would react if I were ever in a life or death situation. Sometimes, I think it woud be easy to just let that darkness slip me out of my body, steal the warmth of my soul and leave the cold clay behind. I want oblivion, rest so complete and perfect it's like Parmenidean Being, everything within itself, flawless. Nothing left of me, my pains or worries. Just the rush of souls all mingled together, all as one. Or maybe it would be true oblivion; a nothingness so complete that no mind could comprehend it. It's scary, trying to think of oblivion. An ache in my chest.

Eh, but sometimes there's too much inside of me and I need to pour it out.
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Aug. 21st, 2007 @ 08:53 pm Hump Day
Current Mood: distressed

It's only two days into the school year and yet it feels like it's been months. I'm still having scheduling difficulties; apparently ascertaining the exact name and nature of a college-level course is monstrously difficult. To be fair, everyone and their mother is coming in about some matter or the other, so all of the administrative staff are swamped.

I'm nervous about the start of college classes. I've taken them before, but never so many classes at once. Plus, they seem like they're going to be much harder than the ones I've taken before. School id feeling so intimidating right now, but at the same time I'm exhilarated at the challenge of them and at being able to interact with my friends much more regularly.

Other than school, I've realized that unburdening your personal problems on friends and family is the stupidest idea *ever*. One, it causes unnecessary worry and pain on their part. Two, they're liable to freak out and stop talking to you. Three, it stresses me out worrying that I've freaked *them* out. On the part of the unspecified person I to whom I related my issues, they're pretty much incommunicado most of the time *anyway*. Q.E.D, it's pointless for me to suppose that their avoidance of me is anything more than their normal behavior, as oposed to some symptom of being freaked out by me. Paranoia is a blessing like that, though.
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Aug. 20th, 2007 @ 07:38 pm Over the hump....
Current Mood: hopeful

Not of the school year, mind you, but that first day is over. I still haven't had three of my five classes, but I'm hoping they will go just as well as my first two did. It's so exciting, being back in school and getting back into the swing of classes and being with all the friends that I missed during the summer. There are still some complications to get through; classes that I need to register for, scheduling changes that I have to deal with. Still, I'm ecstatic. I hope I don't die this year.
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Aug. 18th, 2007 @ 03:49 pm The First Post
I'm following the Fandom Trail, which has led me, at last, into InsaneJournal. I think I might actually try posting here, for a change.
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